I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
