A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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