so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
