My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
