i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize