I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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