Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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