Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
