Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
