I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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