Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
