I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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