when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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