Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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