Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
