my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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