i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
