I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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