The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
