If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
