i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
