Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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