cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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