the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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