Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
