I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
