she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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