i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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