I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
