3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
