your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Randomize
