meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize