Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
