you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
