Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
