my soul wont recognize me after tonight
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
we're making bets on your personal life
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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