mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
