It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
