We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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