I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
