Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
