Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
