my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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