I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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