I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
