Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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