You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
