oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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