Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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