I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
