I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
