Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
