Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Randomize