yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize