Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize