im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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