I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
