I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
