Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She said her name was "party"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
