Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize