So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
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