threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize