You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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