He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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