I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
